Pieces of Mind - Childhood Schizophrenia

1


In the photographs
she looks like
a child of the Gods
sitting at the piano
cleared eyed, sad eyed
blond curls rambling to earth
wraithlike beauty
Apollo’s little sister
carefree, innocent, serene

In the photographs
even the pouting one
splayed out exhausted
across the bed
she has the look
of a Golden Angel
fallen from the heavens

Photographs lie

2

Golden Angel
dancing with demons
blue eyes beam
deep and empty
dazzling smile
at dark souled cats
and giggling rats

Golden Angel
surrendering to motion
rite of spring manifest
movement staccato
running in angles
inside and out
toxic and noisy
a badly tuned two-stroke engine
exhausting exhaustion

Golden Angel
bouncing off promises of connection
following rigid thoughts
lock boxed in stone
repetitious, incessant orders beyond nice, polite
acceptable behavior
teetering on dangerous ground
surrounded by quicksand

Golden Angel
centrifuge brain splitting realities
racing, scattering shit
chaos hitting anything,
anyone too close,
too visible, too vulnerable
too pretty, too loud
too alive, too attentive

Golden angel
dancing with demons
sleeping next to Mommy
in the same bed
strangers taunting her dreams
friends floating overhead

Golden angel
crawling through drug haze
into morning
eating Fruit Loops
no milk
brushing without paste
sees combing her hair as torture
water burning her skin
the pink shirt will kill them
the blue jeans will keep them in

Golden Angel
smiling a secret smile
screaming at the armchair freezing the room
Daddy talking softly
pulling her back
warms the air with
new games, old jokes,
familiar routines and rituals

3

Common wisdom says belief dictates behavior, but for some of us chemistry determines how we behave. As the world reacts to us, our beliefs begin to take root. Beliefs about who/what we are, where we fit in your world. Who we can grow up to be, what we have become.

The brain defines our world; it creates our experience of home, safety and reality. In the land of individual destiny, who can you trust if your inner self, your brain betrays you? If the brain is the gate between the worlds, sometimes some of us loose the key. Sometimes some of us are born without one.

They say Golden Angel must be contained to survive. They say, no place, no amount of money, no teacher exists to transmute survive into thrive. They say, they say, they say…

4

Golden angel
dances with demons
fights for her life
on the doorsteps to hell
between flashes of presence,
happiness and joy
moment by moment
love, fortitude and
carefully balanced medication
make a deal
to keep her alive
one more day


Ziji Salaam